Okay so immediately after spending a week in Sacramento watching my baby girl take 6th in the nation as an “All American” Long Jumper in the Junior Olympics…was that a humble brag? I mean, I’m merely passing along the events of my week so I don’t think so. Anyhoo, I came home and celebrated another birthday. I know, right. It’s been a good week. As I reflect on my day I am just so grateful for the friends and family in my life. I had a relaxing day with countless texts, video messages, and Facebook shout outs. There were surprise visits bearing gifts and an evening where the hubs threw together an impromptu get together at Ruth Chris Steakhouse for a group of girlfriends that dropped everything at a moments notice to celebrate with me. I am left today feeling so grateful, and honored for every moment in time that has lead me to this one.
There are so many phases we go through, especially as women. Some only last for a season and others I feel I’m just now settling in to. My most notable probably started with: Marquita “the actor” phase, which lasted all through my twenties. That was an awesome time, of learning and growth, but also challenges. Working on camera during such formative years can definitely cause a divide in the ol’ self-confidence. There’s so much judgment based on very superficial things and with that, comes potential to forget who you are or what’s really important. I am however grateful that I went through it before the age of social media, so I was spared the massive public scrutiny as a young person that exists now. The roller coaster was “thrilling” enough being told by “the biz” on a constant basis that I was not good enough, too good, not pretty enough, too pretty, not black enough, too black…whatever. There were many opinions, and I didn’t entirely possess the self-awareness to know that none mattered in the end.
Like every actor in the history of acting, work slowed down after a long run and I hit a dry spell. Instead of just recognizing it as such I accepted some kind of defeat and bowed out gracefully…well, I bowed out, ‘nuff said. There also may have been some relationships with some less than stellar dudes that didn’t do much for my ego in terms of the positive. I’d sort of slipped down a rabbit hole and lost sight of who I was for a while.
Enter my thirties…I came out of a serious relationship with a guy with serious issues, that for sure gifted me with a few new ones of my own and I was exhausted by the process of this “acting career” that seemed to be going nowhere. This was sort of the “hot mess” phase. The man who is now my husband was blessed enough to meet me in this glorious one. This was absolutely a case of Divine intervention, where God had a plan that required the two of us together to come to pass. He took these two bags o’crazy and made magic. He’s good like that.
Finding future hubs gave me some stability and footing to explore changing careers. I poured my focus into “make up artist” phase, and started the transition out of acting. We got engaged, so I was also transitioning into becoming a wife as well. About five minutes into the “wife phase” I got pregnant and had to embrace “mom phase” along with it. Needless to say, it all left me asking myself a lot of questions about how to be or do any of it, that I just didn’t feel I had time to answer because there was this man was in my house calling me “wife” and two tiny people looking to me to keep them alive with my boobs, while also embracing this new gig behind the camera. Good times.
The tail end of the thirties is where I started to pull focus. I was doing well enough in make up, although felt called back to acting. I reluctantly answered that call only to realize it was The Man Upstairs, up to his tricks again. He never let me get too comfortable as a make up artist and I realize now it’s because if I had, I would never launch out and pursue the things I’m truly passionate about. Writing being the headliner on the list. This blog has been born out of that, as well as the web series, Work In Progress. Ah, okay, I see, so it’s about trusting and honoring these gifts that were put inside of me and actually using them. No matter how I attempt to ignore them, it seems I will be squeezed to a point of discomfort where I have no choice but to surrender and trust a different path.
So, this wife and mom phase is never ending, but I’ve got a solid grip on’em. It’s fluid and continues to evolve, but I’m confident in both roles. As I’ve entered into my forties I’ve gotten much more familiar with who I was created to be. The confidence comes from the faith in the fact that there is a plan, it’s for me, and it’s good. I’m not in this alone. I can relax and trust that no matter what, I will be ok. I can act, write, homeschool, wife, whatever because it’s all part of my design. It’s my job to say yes and be sensitive to where I’m being led. How anyone responds is fairly irrelevant, really. We can’t control that part at ALL, so “Bye Felecia” to thinking we can. I don’t think I was unique in the way that it took some time for me to gain an understanding of what it meant to have a walk with God. I didn’t have a hard time “believing”, per se, I had a vague grasp on that but I didn’t know what it looked like to go all in. How would that line up with a career in Hollywood, or in my relationships. Was I now going to have to be boring and tied to a bunch of rules? Nope. The truth is, the feeling is actually one of incredible freedom because there’s a safety net to help catch me when I fall. As time has gone on, the standards have just changed for how I choose to live my life. I make different choices. Not based on rules I’m required to live up to but values I choose to live by. I’m the daughter of a King and as such we may do life differently in my house but I promise you…it’s not stiff, restricted, or boring. It’s full of craziness, love, honor, commitment, and continues to ignite and inspire me to be better. It’s also not perfect by any stretch but there’s grace, patience, and absolutely NO judgment. I’m rolling along with the ebbs and flows of life and faith, learning to recognize the strength and power I have access to. I’m a work in progress, doing the work and making progress, so there’s that.
I’d say I’m currently stepping into the “Wonder Woman” phase, because, as I said, I’m finally clear on who I was created to be! I have been wearing Wonder Woman costumes since I was five. I suppose it was less of a novelty and more of a prophesy. I get it now, let’s do this.