ORIGINALLY POSTED ON “MARQUITACREATES” – SEPTEMBER 26, 2016
So, It’s been a rough couple of weeks and I disappeared for a minute. Honestly, I’ve been having a hard time leaving this pity party of one going down with and for myself. The loss of my Aunt Mary hit harder than I was ready for. I was grumpy and therefore convinced my husband and kids stopped liking me. Homeschooling these children (which of course suddenly felt like a colossal mistake) took every ounce of energy and patience I had. Following other bloggers felt more defeating than inspiring. Instagram left me wondering why my feed didn’t look all fancy with thoughtful, organized layouts and uniform color schemes like everyone else. It seemed everyone in town was having auditions and opportunities except for me, unless of course you count that one commercial audition I totally BOMBED in the callback. Feeling super blue made it hard to write, causing me to miss deadlines I’d set for myself, adding to the dialogue in my head about how I’m pretty much failing at life, and to top it off these fuzzy a** twists STILL need to come out of my head! Yep, I slipped ALL THE WAY down the rabbit hole, and let me tell you…it’s no fun down there.
Now, I can usually pull myself out of these places fairly easily with a phone call to the right friend and one of a few go-to scriptures, but this time was different. I was fully committed to the misery. Then I’d feel guilty for the misery, which added to the misery. It was a sad little merry-g0-round I had to get off. But I had to stop beating myself up and just give myself permission to just not be okay for a bit. I needed to take a moment to deal with the “real challenges” like mourning my aunt, standing by my mom who no longer has a big sister. Then sift through the, sort of, “fake challenges” I let spread like wild fire in my mind that were tied to things like auditions and social media. I mean really, right? No doubt, I’m pretty theatrical by nature. If casting directors had a live feed into my bedroom these past few weeks I’m pretty sure my phone would be blowing up to play the most “extra” character on whatever is the most dramatic show on the line up this fall.
The truth is, it’s time for a change. It’s a time of pruning. Someone I love once told me, “Sometimes God has to make it VERY clear that the time is up on a season.” So, this is it. Pruning by definition is pretty rough. It’s “reducing the extent of something by removing superfluous or unwanted parts in order to increase growth and fruitfulness”. In gardening, there’s a time after pruning where a bush just looks all naked, vulnerable, and sad. It’s because of the pruning, the cutting away of things hindering overall growth, the bush blooms and comes back stronger, healthier, and producing more fruit. As uncomfortable as this is and as much as I resist change, I’m just going to have to surrender. My instinct is always to fight it, run from it, hide, try to control… but the circumstances have forced me to be still. It’s time to take my faith to another level. Okay fine. I can’t say I’m thrilled with the timing, but clearly it’s all I can do. All the fighting, running, and hiding is doing is wearing me out and leading me right back to the same place all sweaty and mad where it feels like God is standing with a smile and saying, “Okay, so you done?” I’ve been down this road before and it always works out for the better. You’d think I’d learn to just play along. Nope, stubborn pain in the butt, every time. I’m tired! I have a lot on my plate as it is and I can feel more will be expected and the bar will be raised on the other side of this thing. It’s a crossroads moment where it’s time I step into the things I’ve been praying for. But see the thing is, I had a different script, and I’m not sure I appreciate this rewrite. I have a lot of nerve, huh? I’m aware of my bratty ridiculousness, trust.
Here’s what I know about the “challenges” both real and fake when I’m honest and still with myself:
- Mourning is hard, and awful, and a process, but we as a family will pull together and get through.
- My kids are happy, healthy, and well educated. I can read my own post from a few weeks back to refresh my memory on that fact.
- My instagram feed doesn’t look like those of pro and semi-pro photographers because I’m not either of those things. The only camera I have right now is the one I make calls with and that will have to do for the moment.
- There aren’t billions reading this blog because it’s existed for five minutes, and while I hope it grows, reaches and touches whoever it’s supposed to…I’m not doing it for the numbers. I’m doing it because I feel like it’s time and what I’m supposed to do. The growth will come with time, and I’m both excited and terrified for that.
- I’m happiest writing and creating. The acting game has changed and so have I, so I need to get clear about how I intend to play moving forward.
- I am in fact a writer. I need to just own that and not cave to the desire I have right this second to back pedal on that statement in some kind of way.
- Surrender and trust are the only ways forward.
- My husband loves me all day every day…even when I’m grumpy.
I don’t know why it’s often easier to believe the negative voices swirling around in our heads than the positive. I don’t know why we can be so reluctant to move forward even when we know it’s in our own best interests. I don’t know why success can be just as scary as failure. I do know that it’s all okay, though. It’s okay to be sad for a time. It’s okay to press pause and while there’s all kinds of Christian-ese I could speak against fear, I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s okay to be human and be afraid. Life can be scary dammit, but as cliché as it is, it is worth feeling the fear and doing it anyway. It’s worth trusting that there is a Divine plan for you that doesn’t want you fearful and is better than you could imagine. It’s worth giving yourself a break and knowing that today may be rough but with every minute that passes comes another shot at making a change and things getting better. So, to my tribe of moms, wives, friends, creatives and non, yes it’s tough, but so are you! You can do it…whatever it is, YOU CAN, and if you can do it, I can do it, so together we’ll make it through!
Are you finding yourself in a pruning season? What do you do to pull through?