A bunch of comedians you single men are. When I say I can’t go watch the game at Hooters on a Tuesday night and your response is “Happy wife, happy life huh?” the answer is “yes homie”. It’s not whether or not she would be happy or unhappy. It’s all about how you go about it. I went out for a couple of my friends birthdays last week. We stayed out until one in the morning playing Sega Grand Prix at Dave and Busters. Not only was my wife cool with it she encouraged me to go.
After years of immaturity I have finally learned that before I roll out with my dad swagger, it’s in everyone’s best interests that I make sure the house is correct and she is taken care of. Does that mean I clean the house before I got out? Maybe, I do whatever is helpful in getting the atmosphere in my house “correct” before I leave it. Once my wife and my kids are good, deuces, I’m out. Old married guys tried telling me when I was a 24yr old kid recently engaged and floating on euphoric dreams of sex and vacations that getting married is unlike anything else on Earth.
The hardest thing you’ll ever do but better than anything else in your entire life. No girlfriend, live in or not, could ever truly prepare you for being a husband. It’s like saying you’re ready to appear before the Supreme Court because you represented yourself on Judge Judy when your landlord tried to sue you for breaking his garbage disposal. Yes, you were in a court. Yes, there was a judge. No, it is not the same.
I have been married for ten wonderful years now. I look back at being a boyfriend and laugh. Is there a difference between keeping your girlfriend happy and keeping your wife happy? Are you kidding me? My income taxes read, “Head of Household”. My decisions impact my entire family. To quote my favorite twentieth century poet, Mr. 2Pac Shakur…”All eyez on me” (R.I.P. Pac). As a married man if I make a dumb move I can blame shift until the cows come back to the barn but in the end I am the common denominator. As a boyfriend you might buy your girlfriend some pajamas or pay for a cell phone bill but you aren’t “the husband”, “the father”, “the provider”, “the head of the house” or “the Pastor of your family”. Those are some real grown folk titles.
I don’t know about you but I actually want to live up to those words I said at the altar. I looked her daddy, our pastor and God in the eyes that day and promised I would live up to those words. I intend to keep that promise. So, no I can’t meet you at Big Wang’s for half price wing night. I got grown man things to tend to and besides I actually have a “happy wife” so I like to stay around after hours and enjoy her. #husbandperks #extrascoop #dadbod
For all you fellas out there who know the struggle is real, but would like for your marriage to not be one of the struggles here are five of my personal tips to making your wife feel loved and cherished til death do you part.
1. You dead.
Let’s get it started correctly. I am wise enough to know I need wisdom. The two scriptures from my bible that set the standard are brutal. “Husbands love your wives like Christ loved the church and laid down his life for her” and “No greater love than this. That a man lay down his life for another”. Daaaang! That’s right boys. You wanna join the elite squad of “husband” then you gotta prepare for death. Take all your ridiculous self indulgent lifestyle choices and burn em. Shoot em. Stab em. Bury em. They’re dead now. Nothing on Earth matters more than her, which includes you. You died remember? Your wedding day. You gave your life to her so what you want or need or demand or expect or blah blah blah is irrelevant. You be dead. Replace selfishness with selflessness. Prefer her before yourself in everything you do. Think of her first before you make any moves, big or small. She gets to go first, eat first, pick first. Forget about your stupid action movies. They’re dumb. Watch them some other time. Tonight is about her. Every night is about her. Life is about her and if you are wise enough to live this out, chances are high that she will reward you with more reruns of The Bourne Trilogy then your little heart can handle.
2. Eat it
I am sure I have screwed up in one way or another at least thirty times since breakfast. Eat it. Stop trying to be right. You know you didn’t communicate what you were thinking effectively. You know you made moves without really consulting her. You know you were insensitive or impatient. You already know. If it wasn’t this time then eat it for all the times she just let it go when you totally deserved an “I told you so”. Stop arguing. Stop posturing. Eat it. Swallow it. And let it go. A humble spirit that is willing to acknowledge wrongdoing is the difference between a life filled with love and peace and a life filled with conflict and misery. So…eat it.
3. Do it for sex
That was a trick. I knew you’d at least read this one but if I wrote don’t do it for sex you would have rolled your eyes and skipped it. I have read somewhere around two or three zillion articles about sex in marriage. All of them give the same lame tips. Clean more, cook more, rub her feet, take care of the kids and run a hot bath. Look man, if you only do those things occasionally because you want sex here is something to keep in mind. Unless you married a garage door opener, she knows. She knows you like sex. She knows you really want sex. She also knows when you’re just scheming and it will turn her off not on. I have learned to do those kinds of things because it’s helpful. Because I am a real man and real men don’t need a reason to participate in the daily workings of a home or childish motivation to pamper our Queens. Man up! Rub the woman’s feet. Sex is a part of a loving relationship not a doggy treat. Nothing turns a real woman on more than a man who treasures his bride. You play your cards right buddy you can have sex with your wife like, whenever. For realsies.
DVR the game homie
None of us want to go to the farmer’s market. I don’t know who to scream at for the co-ed baby shower catastrophe but in the end she just wants to hang out with you. Sometimes it’s what she needs just as desperately as you need sex. It will go a really long way if you simply DVR the game(s), have a really great attitude, show her a great time with a fully engaged husband and never check your phone for scores. If you do this well then your reward awaits you at home when she says things like, “kids leave your dad alone he is trying to watch his football game.” Boom. Pay off. You can DVR the game but you can’t DVR the pumpkin patch.
You’re a husband not a martyr
Perspective is everything. If at any point you find your thoughts becoming flooded with lists of all the things you are doing for her, for the kids or for the sake of the marriage you need to freeze. Literally. Stop moving. Take a deep breath and remember who is really getting the most out of this exchange. Before I met my wife I was a ton of fun for sure, and also a complete disaster. If I take a little inventory I quickly realize that I could never do enough for any of these people in my house to repay them for the life they have given me for over a decade. No matter how many butts I wipe or dishes I clean in the end I am the one who should say “thank you”. I need her. I am so fortunate to have her. I would be a mess without her. It is a great privilege to serve her. To love her. To be loved by her.
Many of you probably do not know that I am also a preacher. Yup. So, please get out your homemade fan and your tambourine cause we are going to church!
In the end our example is Jesus. He gave and continues to give everything for his bride…you and I. He serves his bride in spite of her constant in fighting, poor behavior and all the countless mistakes we have made in HIS name. If he can still love me and serve me even though he is the King of everything than it is my duty to follow his example. Also, service to others is the highest honor in heaven. It is not gold or silver. It is people. I could build a thousand churches but if I do not love my wife than all of it is for nothing. Ashes. Loving my wife is the highest calling in this life and the next. When we get to the other side we will be asked two questions before any others. What did we do with the gift of his son Jesus and how did we love our wives. There is a massive reward waiting for you in eternity. Would you like to know how to get it? Here is a hint. She is sleeping next to you.
Now slap somebody and say “Amen”. Then go rub some feet and wash those dirty dishes. After all, (say it with me now!!) “Happy wife, happy life”. I can watch the game, have sex with a beautiful woman and grab a beer with my friends whenever I dang well please because nothing is more important to me than her. Nothing. Happy husbands have happy lives all because of their wonderful, incredible, unbelievable, and yes, happy, wives.